the laanba blog

Peachy Keen, Jelly Bean

How are my goals going?  Just peachy keen!  Can't you tell by the amount of blogging I'm doing here?  Maybe you need a sarcasm sign.

I've fallen down on almost everything.  Work is kicking my butt (you hear that a lot around here don't you.)  But strangely I don't really feel bad about it.  I think this weekend I'm going to be able to get back on track for some things and hopefully next week will be better.  The thing is I am going to keep trying and keep working at them.  I have the goals posted on my refrigerator so I'll see them and remember and any step I make towards doing them will be a good step.

But I will say I'm about to axe one completely.  I haven't been able to bring myself to buy one of those glossy women's magazines.  They feel so completely fake and shallow.  I'm going to have to think of another way to get some fashion ideas (thanks to those who have already thrown some out in the comments).  I'm kind of glad that those magazines give me the willies.  I don't want to be THAT woman.  
P.S.  Here is my other favorite "sarcasm" moment from The Big Bang Theory.  Gosh I love that show.  

Bad Girl

I've really slid backwards today on my resolutions.... er... goals.  Didn't cook, didn't walk and I've been aimlessly clicking around for the last 30 minutes or so.  Sigh.  One step forward, two steps back.

But hey, at least I wrote a blog post about it.  

Brain Dump

A kid coughed directly in my face (by accident) yesterday and now I'm paranoid thinking I'm feeling the signs of getting sick.  I have a feeling it is all in my head but that didn't stop me from buying some Airborne.

I haven't done anything to get ready for my trip to Panama other than locating my passport and doing some laundry.  I had a plan to slowly clean my apartment this week so I wouldn't be stressed over the weekend, but I've abandoned that.  Saturday for cleaning, Sunday for packing.  That should work.

I have two real posts I want to write about Flickr and The Incomparable Podcast.  I hope I can soon find the time to sit down and write them, but the short hand version is that I have totally revamped my Flickr usage and I am head over heels in love with The Incomparable.  

I think I need to start walking.  I love riding my bike more than walking, but I just don't do it.  I think it would be easier for me to start walking.  I'm going to try when I get back.  I can definitely feel myself slowing down with age and I need to get more active.

Also I need to break my computer addiction.  I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I have a few ideas.  When I'm on the computer I don't do focused things like blogging or photo editing. Instead I randomly click around and around social media sites.  

I hope Matt Leinart can pull through because I have been have so much fun watching the Texans.  I've been a Texans fan since they started and it has been a long 9 years. This is our year. 

Thus ends the brain dump.  I figured it would be better to write something, anything, than leaving my blog neglected anymore than it has been. 

Limbo

I came back from San Antonio completely energized (hey I took pictures) and had a great Sunday with the beautiful weather.  I had plans to write a blog post on how flying made my trip so much better, but when I got home I found out my aunt had taken a turn for the worse.  I am currently in a holding pattern.  Going through the motions of things I need to do, but really just treading water.  It's a very strange thing to be waiting for someone to pass away.  I'm not sad right now and I'm not happy.  I'm just here.  

In other news I'm thinking of revamping my new year's resolutions.  The whole beautiful life thing is still my goal but I need more concrete steps.  I really like the idea of the one week resolutions and I'm going to focus on doing those.  The other over arching things I'm going to work on is making eye contact and drinking more water.  The one week resolution was just kind of a whim but now that I'm committing to it more fully I think I will be more serious about following through. 

A Post Full of Nothing

This was going to be an everything but the kitchen sink type of post, but I can't get my brain to settle down and focus.  I'm in an unusually good mood considering I was at work until almost 8 tonight.  This is a re-run of last week where I was working insanely long hours.  I swore I wasn't going to do that this week, but I just know that if I buckle down and get the big work out of the way now it will clear the decks for the rest of the spring.  Of course before I know it January will be over!  Really I only think one or two more late nights.  Maybe not even that.

Other stuff happening.  Ummm.... I was going to write something about buying shoes.  Apparently I need to try the left one on instead of the right one because I bought a bunch of shoes over Christmas break and they are all killing me.  I'm sure they will eventually break in, but heavens I don't know if I will survive.

Let's see.  I totally tanked last week's for one week about doing evening preparations early.  But on the other hand I completely stuck to my breakfast, lunch and dinner meal plan and I'm very happy about that.  Of course I stuck to it because I was completely poor.  I've been paid now and I did do some shopping yesterday, but I really want to clamp down on my spending as I previously mentioned.  Sticking to eating at home is a big part of it.

Er... I need a good book to read.  I want a story to sweep me away.  I've been reading a lot of non-fiction lately so I have been craving something completely different.  Basically I want a good epic fantasy.  But I'm picky about my epic fantasy.  I like fast reads which is hard to find in epic fantasy because so many of them drone on and on and are so full of themselves.  When I was in the mood I was in the middle of being extremely poor so instead of buying something for the kindle I pulled The Belgariad off the shelves.  Well I have devoured the first two books in just a matter of days.  I am now on book 3.  In fact I spent Sunday reading and sleeping.  It has been a long time since I've had a day that was so peaceful, relaxing and so full of nothing.  I loved it.  I'm not sure what I'm going to read when I finish The Belgariad.  

In my head this post was way more exciting but at least it is something.  I said this the last time I didn't write for a while, but I just need to write even if it is terribly boring (which they always are) or short.  But then I fall behind, then I feel guilty because I fell behind and it is a never ending circle. Hopefully this will break my posting block.

Talking to Myself

Was starting to get that sad feeling as I watch everyone's personal life move every onward while mine is non-existant and lonely.  Went back to read this.  Still a little sad, but reminded that I had a plan and that I need to stick to it.

While looking for that post I found this one about money.  Yeah, still not successful at tightening the money belt, but I will try, try again.  I really thought I would adapt to this easily but it may be one of the hardest things I have to do in the next few months.  

You know what is funny about this post?  How wrong it is.  I pulled my cable box two weeks ago and I cancelled cable on Thursday.  I thought I would keep up with my shows either on live TV or on the internet and still watch fairly regularly.  Instead the TV has mostly been off except for the morning news.  I am having a little bit of withdrawal, but it will pass.  This lifestyle change is going to be easier than the money one.  That is a surprise to me.

Tunnels and Holes

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Right now it is only the size of a pin, but it is there and it is real.  All I have the energy to do is crawl towards the light now, but crawl I will.

I have come up with a new organization system at work that we are putting into use starting next week.  My goal is to spread out our jobs so that any one week isn't more stressful or filled than any other week.  And if we have cleared all of our jobs for the week I want to know that I can go home early (i.e. 5:00) with a clear conscience.  I'm really excited about it and I think it is going to be a big help.

And I went out this weekend and took pictures despite still having a horrible allergy attack which has descended into my lungs.  I honestly feel like crap, but I am very happy that I went out and got some fresh shots.  AND I processed them right away and they are on my blog.  It is my eventual goal to have fresh content all the time on the blog.  I still have more backlog to work through though.  

And a few times this week, when I was climbing the stairs to my apartment, I felt like I was coming home as opposed to most of the other times when I felt like I was coming to a strange apartment.

So progress.  In itty bitty steps, but progress none the less.  

There are some other not so happy things.  Like I have been broke every pay period.  My money is flying out the window and I'm not sure where it is going.  I think paying for the cat medical treatment is more than I thought it would be.  I don't think I'm going to be able to pay for the apartment to be cleaned which is a complete bummer but the cat comes first.  I'm really hoping once I get my work life on track that then I can turn my attention to my  home/social/photo life and get it into a more routine. I want the routine to include going out and taking photos, riding my bike, cooking healthy meals, keeping my apartment picked up and enjoying my down time instead of being a zombie in front of the TV/computer.  And plug the hole in my wallet.

The Run Down

I have really been a bad blogger the last few months.  It comes and goes but I'm going to try to get things going even if I just write a paragraph or two.  Don't expect genius.  

1.) The maintenance person came by today with good news and bad news.  The bad news is that he and an air conditioning contractor who happened to be working on other units looked at my unit and I just happen to have a loud compressor motor.  He said there is another air conditioner on the complex that has the same problems and the tenants just get used to it.  So I'll just have to get used to it.  I have ideas for how to be able to chill in the bedroom at non-sleep times and I think once the school year starts it will be easier.  At least I'm hoping so.  Cross your fingers.  And in the spring I'll start talking to them about a downstairs unit.  I hate the idea of moving again, but that move shouldn't be so traumatic.  

The good news was that he had the key to the storage closet downstairs.  When I first talked to him a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was going to have to get used to carrying my bike up and down the stairs (and remember this is no professional sports bike... it's a heavy cruiser) and he said that I could use the storage downstairs.  Since I hadn't heard from him I thought he had forgotten, but there was the key today.  I had already figured out the best way to carry the bike, but it is definitely a chore.  That hasn't stopped me from riding though.  I love riding my bike!  I'm very out of shape and slow but I'll get better and faster the more I do it.  This is a happy development.

2.) I've been on a reading binge the last few weeks.  Two Kindle books and one regular.  I think I figured out why the Kindle works well for me.  I get very moody about books and with the Kindle I can start reading the exact book that fits my mood.  I download the sample chapter and if it drags I try something else.  If I breeze through it I make my purchase and then I'm off.  I'm happy to be reading again except that Kindle books are expensive and I'm not always in the mood for what is on the free book list.  

Book #3: The Lightning Thief  (book)
Book #4: Hot Mama (Kindle)
Book #5: Garlic and Sapphires (Kindle)

3.) Weight Watchers recipes surprise me.  I've picked up the magazines not because I'm following the program but because the recipes looked fresh and easy with few ingredients.  I haven't tried very many but the few I have are good.  Tonight I made a side dish of lemon broccoli and it was quick, fresh, easy and tasty.  It is something that I would actually make for other people and I don't say that often. I don't even know who I am anymore.

4.) My aunt and uncle have a 50th wedding anniversary celebration Sunday and my aunt called me today and asked me to take photos.  Of course I said yes, but this is going to put me very out of my element.  I don't do weddings or people shots or any of the stuff that I will apparently be doing on Sunday.  She said that I would do better than them in that I probably wouldn't cut people's heads off and I can at least guarantee that much.  

5.) HMNS has a corpse flower blooming this weekend.  I am ridiculously excited about a smelly, stinky, cantankerous flower.

6.) I am 99% moved in.  I put the perfume bottles in the cabinet today and hung my clock.  I have a few boxes to still get rid of and then I'm done.

7.) I have jury duty tomorrow. 

There is something else that is supposed to go in this post, but I can't remember what it is.  Oh well.  Hopefully it won't be so long before my next post and hopefully it won't be so sporadic.  Now to finish off the strawberry ice that I made today.  Yes, that I made from scratch.  Again, I don't know who I am anymore!

Tears

Don't feel like talking much today, but I do like this blog to be a marker of things.  Another UIL is in the books.  My girls choir got a 2 on stage and 1 in sight reading.  My mixed choir got a 2 on stage and a 2 in sight reading.  (1 is the top rating for the non-music contest people out there).  My assistant's choir got 1 on stage and 1 in sight reading.

I thought I would be all bitter towards her and angry, but I'm not.  She worked hard and deserves it.  She has waited a long time.  The tears are more for the same thing I said last year.  I just don't know if I have what it takes to take them to the next level.  I don't know if I have what it takes to be a success at this job and that makes me sad because I feel trapped in mediocrity. I want a job that I love that I feel passionate about, but I don't even know what that would be.  I think of myself as a passionate person, but what am I passionate about?  Organizing systems and surfing the internet. 

A few of my tears this evening are for the end of Ugly Betty.  I just watched the series finale.  What a fabulous show.  It is one of the few shows that I can say I have watched every single episode (West Wing, Star Trek: TNG, Nero Wolfe).  There are a lot of shows that I start to watch, but the last few years it goes downhill and I stop.

Ugly Betty always gave me hope that even an "ugly" person could find love.  Or let me say a less glamorous person.  Oh who am I kidding.  I will never have the love matches that Betty did, but I didnt' care because I loved to dream that it was possible.  And the writers knew how to pull at my heart strings.  If they wanted the viewers to fall in love with a character I was there 100%.  I wrote blog posts about Henry for crying out loud!  I loved the ending with Daniel, her friend who had always been there falling in love with her.  *girlie sigh*  The way it ended cries out for a movie.  I really hope it happens.  Adios Betty.  

Freaking Out

This is a brain dump.  I'm just writing and doing very little editing for content, clarity or rationality.  Keep that in mind.

Starting to freak out about my Panama trip.  It suddenly occurred to me tonight that I need shots. I'll call the doctor's office in the morning, but I am terrified of doctors and doctor's visits. Having to go to the doctor makes me cry, but I was already emotionally on edge.

I finally found someone to look after my kitty.  I was so relieved that I almost started crying, because although I trust this person, I am truly worried about being so far away from my kitty. If anything were to happen I wouldn't be able to do anything about it and I probably wouldn't even be able to find out about it in a timely manner.  I am such an  über connected person that it is hard to think about being disconnected for 6 days.

In fact being disconnected is freaking me out too.  I'm addicted to my iPhone, to having internet all the time, to having access to information.  I know many would say this is your time to disconnect and enjoy your travels and meeting your family, but I never said these freak out feelings were rational or right.  Just what they are.

This doesn't even begin to cover things like not having the appropriate clothes for the tropical climate and not having the money to buy new things.  Or not learning Spanish because work has been killing me and if I didn't give myself a break on the weekends I would have found myself on the top of clock tower.  I was very close a few weeks ago to sinking completely from the stress.  But of course I'm upset at myself because I haven't made progress on the Spanish.

I am so stressed at work and I know that I won't have a real break until December and that thought makes me a little hysterical too.  This trip will not be relaxing or peaceful.  I am not a people person so the idea of having to be "on" for six days with a whole group of people that I don't know and a group of people where I don't even speak their language is exhausting just to think about, let alone go through.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the opportunity.  This is just an overwhelming experience that I'm about to go through and I am already a basket of unmedicated anxieties and worries. This is my brain dump to get some of this stuff out of my head.  Now to try to get some sleep.  I haven't told you about the high anxiety I have about a social event I have to go to tomorrow night.  So many anxieties, so little time.