the laanba blog

A blog post

Hi.  My name is Laurie.  I used to blog here.  Every time I thought about writing a blog here I felt like I needed to catch you up on everything that has happened since the last time I blogged and that just sounded like too much work.  And when I thought about writing about current things and skipping the catch up I just couldn't seem to marshall my thoughts into a coherent string.  So I haven't written.

I'm not going to catch you up.  You can look back on my Twitter page if you are really curious.  I'm just going to tell you what is in my head.  I've been dealing with kitty stuff.  She is officially diagnosed with renal failure.  She is at the beginning of it and the vet told me on the phone that if I did nothing she would have a year or so and if I took some steps she could have two to three.  When he was listing things we could do to help her they didn't seem so bad, but I looked up the biggie tonight (giving subcutaneous fluids) and I'm not sure I can do it.  And it makes me feel like a terrible pet mom.  I'm not good with medical things anyway, but the idea of stabbing my kitty once a week with needle wounds me.  I can't look at people getting stuck with needles on TV and now I'm supposed to do it? But everything I read says that it really helps cats with renal failure because they get dehydrated since their kidneys don't work.  Anyway I'm freaking out tonight and will probably freak out at the vets and freak out when I try it the first time if I can bring myself to do it. 

It is at times like this that I wish I wasn't alone.  I wish I had someone to lean on that would be there for me and help me (and yes just do this for me so I wouldn't have to).  I'm so tired of being alone.  Of always having to be strong on my own.  Of not having someone to share my life with.  I'm not sure if I can be strong anymore.  And lately I've been thinking about the fact that I am probably going to be alone forever and that is a throughly depressing thought.  One half of my brain tells me that I need to learn to make peace with it and I will probably be happier.  The other part of me finds the thought of making peace with being alone for the rest of my life a throughly depressing thing.

You know sometimes you may not want to know what is in my head.  I sure don't. 

Robot Roll Call

It's been such a busy week and I'm going to write a little more about it later, but I had to pop on here to share some trivia with you.  I noticed that my friend Jeff added MST3K to his fan pages on Facebook and it reminded me that MST3K is where I got the name for my kitty, Gypsy.

I took her in for her first appointment at the vet after getting her from the SPCA and didn't have a name at that time.  The name she had before was Little Princess and that was wrong on so many levels.  Let's just say that my kitty has always been "big boned."  I was having such a hard time picking out a name and the pressure was on because I had a two week follow up appointment that was drawing near.  I did not want to go back to the vet with a nameless kitty.  I was watching MST3K and poof, there it was.  Gypsy.  So she's a geek kitty, but what can you expect from a geek owner.

Kitty Update

I couldn't stand it anymore and went to the vet today.  Sometimes things roll around in my head, but then they start shouting louder and louder and LOUDER until they can not be ignored.  The doctor took blood work, but was then called into emergency surgery.  The other doctor had to leave before the final test results were in.  She told me that right now it could be either hyperthyroidism or cancer (ruled out diabetes and renal failure).  The cancer is indicated by an elevated calcium level.  Everything else on her test was fine.  They are going to call me tomorrow afternoon to let me know the hyperthyroidism test results.  

She said if the thyroid test came back normal the next step would be to get a specialized test to see if it was cancer.  Gypsy had that test done many moons ago when she was young and we were trying to track down the irritable bowel disease.  It cost about $1000.  Needless to say this is not something I can afford especially since I probably wouldn't be able to afford the treatments that would come afterwards.  I am certainly willing to spend lots of money on my pet (just dropped $175 today), but there comes a point where you have to make some choices.  I have a hard time justifying radiation treatments and surgery when it will only prolong the life by a year or two and the quality of life will be much less.  It sounds so heartless to say that and I'm a little surprised that I'm saying it, but there it is.

I am surprisingly calm with bouts of sobbing which last about a minute and then goes back to calm.  I don't know how much will change once I get the final word tomorrow.   I do think it is better in the long run to have gone in.  It feels better to know actual things, no matter how sad they are, than the made up things in my head.

UPDATE:  All the blood work came back clean.  The only thing that is out of place is the elevated calcium.  The doctor recommended getting her retested after a 12 hour fast.  I'm going to do that in a few weeks.  I at least feel better now knowing it isn't kidney problems or diabetes.  The rest will sort itself out.  I can't thank my commenters enough for all your kind thoughts.  There is nothing like pet people, the most loving caring people on earth.

Getting ready to say goodbye

I think I need to start preparing myself to say goodbye to my Gypsy.  This is something I have been dreading a long time because I don't think I'm going to handle it very well.  She is acting perfectly fine right now except she is drinking more water than normal and she's lost some weight.  

Now if you saw her you would say she looks perfectly fine.  And I KNOW that I have some mental issues.  I remember reading a post by Jenny The Bloggess where she was talking about coming to the realization that it wasn't normal to worry about your child dying all the time  and I realized that I thought the same way about Gypsy.  I think that while I have anxiety issues they are not as pronounced as others and I have been working to deal with them naturally. This will be a test.

I'm not sure whether the things I notice are serious because they are serious or serious because they are in my head.  She has definitely lost weight, but that was because before she was an overweight kitty.  Now she just looks normal.  Of course I have not put her on any kitty diet so that worries me.

I will take her to the vet sooner rather than later, but I am dreading that visit.  I don't want to hear the bad news.  Pretty much the same reason why I don't like going to my own doctor.  I don't want them to find something.  I know that is part of the anxiety.  I'm not perfect at dealing with it.  I just keep trying.

Finally I will have to take her on a specific day.  I think it needs to be a Friday at the very least because I am not one of those delicate criers (see preparing for bad news).  I'm one of those "have swollen eyes for about three days after" kind of criers and I need some recovery time before I go back to work.  I have some busy Saturdays coming up so that pushes the schedule back.  I'm leaning towards Spring Break.  Sigh.  Sooner rather than later.  I don't think I'm going to handle this well.

Wake Up

If I had been blogging each day I could have written interesting little anecdotes about this past week. How I've been on a quest to redecorate my office and finally realized no matter what I do it will look like an office. How we have been ahead of the game at work and it feels really good. How I've come home each night and (this will sound familiar) sat on the couch and watched the Olympics while my house gets messier and messier. How I've tried to take advantage of tax free weekend, but only came away with two pairs of shoes. But I haven't been blogging really or catching up on emails or clearing my news reader. I've done nothing. Now that swimming is over and gymnastics is winding down I think I will actually be able to tear myself away from the TV long enough to put a plate away and do some laundry. At least I hope so.

So I've decided instead to tell you about the strangest thing that my cat does. She always wakes me up if I fall asleep with the light on. Now that may sound really specific and it IS. She will come over to the bed and start scratching on it and if the covers are hanging down pull on them and every once in a while she'll meow too. But she ONLY does it when I fall asleep with the light on. Not when I read for a long time with the light on. Not when I turn the light off and go to sleep. Not when I take a nap in the afternoon. Only when I fall asleep with the light on. Weird.

That was anticlimatic, huh. Oh well. Off to watch some more Olympics and hopefully clean something.

Further Tales of the Neurotic Cat

The cat and I went to the vet today. It seems to me that her hair pulling is getting worse, although it could be because I am home to see it. I wanted to make sure it wasn't something other than the previous diagnosis which was either food allergy or just plain neuroses. The vet was someone I hadn't seen before and she was very nice. She basically gave Gypsy a routine check and it all looks clear for the same two items. She offered me some options which included anti-psychotic drugs (haha... I won't take them for ME, I'm not giving them to my cat), Benadryl that I'd have to give her twice a day for two weeks, shots, etc. The last time though that I had her on the specialty diet she never stopped pulling even after five weeks. I really think it is that she is neurotic. We'll see.

I will be changing her food because she really needs to lose some weight. The last time I was there the doctor told me that it also stresses them out when they get big and can't groom the way they want to. She is just too heavy. So how do you get a cat to lose weight? Atkins! In other words take them off the dry food. That is in fact all that my cat eats. She would get a can here and there early on, but when she was diagnosed with IBD they told me to get off canned. So we will try it and see. If the diarrhea starts again I'll go back to the dry. I haven't bought canned in ages. It will be a whole new world.

By the way people come by here every single week searching for answers as to why their cat is pulling their hair. I wish I could help you guys out! Get the cat checked at the vet and then look at diet issues. And buy a heavy duty vacuum cleaner.

Cat Update

Updating this saga.

Gypsy has been on the z/d for about five weeks now. The vet originally told me that I should wait six weeks, but I have not seen any change in the hair pulling, but I have seen another problem. The z/d does not agree with her irritable bowel. That is a much bigger problem for us and since I have put her on this food she has pretty much not had a solid bowel since. So I put a call in to the vet today and I'm going to swtich her back to her old food. I think that leaves the hair pulling to stress (or possibly being overweight).

Originally I said I hoped it would be the food, but now I would rather her body run right and the hair come out. Several cat owners have told me that they have had the same problem and that sometimes it goes away. I'm crossing my fingers that this is true, but I know that she will be happy to get back to feeling normal.

Allergy or Neurosis

Well I officially have a neurotic cat. Well, maybe. About a month I began noticing tufts of hair on the carpet. I didn't think too much of it a few weeks ago, but as the weeks continued it was more than just a few tufts and it began to weigh on me. Why was my cat losing hair? Things escalated last night when I saw A LOT of hair and when I looked at her I found patches on her body where hair was missing. Those were definitely not there a few days ago. So we went to the vet today.

First, as you may know, I'm a TOTAL worry wart, I search for things on the internet and although I hate to admit it I usually tend to think the worst. So I was a little nervous about the visit.

Diagnosis? Well the patches are caused by over grooming. She is licking herself over and over again in those areas. The question is why? It COULD be allergies. The doctor said that since she has irritable bowel disease she is more susceptible. So we are switching to a low allergen food. Once I get her completely switched over to that I have to give it six weeks to see how things go. By the way, the low allergen food, z/d, costs $45 for a 10 pound bag. (Ugh. I'm going to shop around and pray I find a better deal.) I also have to make sure to keep up the flea control even though she doesn't have fleas. If she has a flea allergy all it would take is one bite one time, and she could have a reaction.

The other possible cause? Stress. Much harder to confirm or cure. The doctor said it could be from the move to the new apartment, the fact that she can now look on the patio and might be upset with any cat visitors, or practically anything. She said that cats can be S E N S I T I V E. Hey just like me!

I'm glad it isn't something super serious (never read the internet for possible diagnosis!) but I feel bad that my cat is out of sorts. Even though z/d is super expensive I kind of hope that it IS the food allergy because it is something concrete that can be fixed.