the laanba blog

D-Day

Otherwise known as dentist day, more specifically orthodontist day. First up though a trip to the regular dentist to get some more of my cavities taken care of. It was much easier this time than last time. I was surprised when he was finished. And I had time to think these completely random thoughts

-- Journey is not good music to listen to when you are nervous. It almost becomes sugary sweet which isn't good on a nervous stomach.
-- What would cause someone to want to be a dentist?
-- Am I the only one that keeps their eyes closed? I shut my eyes once they start moving the light and don't open them again until he tells me to sit up.
-- I wonder what other people think about when they are sitting in the chair.

This afternoon is my orthodontist consultation. I told someone that it was funny that I was more nervous about my consultation which is basically just a conversation than I was about getting actual dental work done. That is either progress or a peek into my messed up mind.

More later.

UPDATE: I did NOT have a good consultation with the orthodontist. He was nice and his staff was nice, but the news was bad. The words difficult case, three years, 8 to 12 months with big gaps in the front (missing teeth so I need to make space for the....), implants, and wisdom teeth removal were all used. As was $700 for next step and $9000 top limit which needs 25% up front. I don't have to tell you I don't have anything resembling that kind of money. I'm reeling right now, very upset, and am going to spend a lot of time in the next few days crying.

[tangent]Too bad I went to the grocery store and bought healthy snacks. I could really use a big pan of brownies right now instead of the raisins I've been munching on. [end tangent]

I don't know what I'm going to do. He doesn't really take insurance (they let insurance pay the patients back if I understand correctly) so maybe I need to find a new place. But finding a place that is nice and understanding and that will tell me the truth no matter how horrible it sounds up front is important too.

Whew, I really didn't think I was going to write all that. I will be holding things together the best I can so if you see me in the next few weeks please don't bring this up. It is one thing to write from behind a computer screen where I can cry freely as I type, it is quite another to talk about it in person.

Ortho

So remember this? When I said that my dentist put a bug in my ear about orthodontics? Well I've been thinking about it a lot since then. Some times it would be at the forefront of my mind and other times it would just be bubbling in the back stewing, but it was always there. I found one place while searching online that seemed very patient focused, concerned about making the experience as pleasant as possible. I read through a lot of their website before I checked the location. Had I stumbled across some place that was in Denver or Ohio or even worse, some place that was in Houston, but as far away from me as possible (Katy or The Woodlands?). No, Baytown. Can you believe it? On my side of town. I bookmarked it for the day that I was ready.

Last night for some reason it really started nagging at me. I was in bed and suddenly researching about being an adult with braces. Just like I found the wonderful Dental Phobia forum for my first round at the dentist, I found ArchWired for adults with braces. This afternoon the thoughts turned into a boil and I couldn't ignore it any longer. I called to make an appointment for a consultation. And just like last time I was crying before during and still am after the phone call even though the staff was VERY friendly and understanding. I can thankfully look back on my previous experience and know that I *can* get through this. Last time the hardest things were the phone call to set the appointment and the first meeting. Finding the right place is paramount, but I have a really good feeling about this place.

I hope that the consultation doesn't kill my spirit. There are so many things to consider. Hopefully my dentist's assessment will still hold that there are no major problems. And I can't even imagine the amount of money this is going to cost. Will I even be able to afford it? This is what I'm worried about the most especially since I have been working to get rid of my credit card debt. How are the teenagers that I teach going to react? I hope that since so many of them are going through the same thing it won't be so bad. What about the adults? Who is ever going to be interested in the 36+ heavy girl with braces? And two years! So many things are swirling through my head, but I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of being embarrassed about my smile.

The appointment is in two weeks. Wish me luck.

The Dentist pt. 2

If you aren't caught up on the dentist saga you can read here. I had been doing really well, going about once every other month when I could afford it to get my deep cleanings and start working on my cavities. Since I was paying out of pocket I could only really go when I could afford it. In January I finally got my insurance changed over to PPO, but with waiting for the insurance card to arrive (and waiting and waiting) and one thing or another I hadn't been back since late fall. Until today.

Some things were still the same. No anxiety about making the appointment. Only a little nervousness in the pit of my stomach while I was waiting. I was actually more nervous about the x-rays because I had such a difficult time with them the first time. I don't know if it was because it was a different technician or because I wasn't a crying mess like the first time, but x-rays were a breeze.

The results? He said that my gums were much improved from last year, especially the bottom ones. The top could still use some work. That was good news. We talked about the things that need to be done in the next few visits (finish with the cavity work) and keep an eye for any further decay. That's all fine. But then we started talking about long term. He told me last year that I had one baby tooth towards the back that was still holding on. Eventually it is going to need to come out and of course that is going to leave a gap. Today he talked to me about different options and one of them was orthodontics.

Now this is something I had been thinking about already because the one thing I hate about myself even more than my weight is my teeth. I had been slowly getting use to this idea and just want to get myself in a financial place to do it. Of course toying with the idea in your mind and having the dentist tell you that you should prepare to do it are two different things. Especially since he doesn't do orthodontics. The idea of having to find someone new and go through all of that trauma again is upsetting. I feel safe with him and his staff. I wish, I wish, I wish that he could do it. This is something I want to get done and I know, especially with past experiences, that I can get through it and conquer my fears. But for right now I feel a little bit like I did last year. Scared.

This isn't something that is going to happen right away so I have time to research. And of course a lot will depend on how much the insurance pays. It sure made a huge difference already. Cavity fillings without were running about $90 a tooth and that is with their discount for cash payments. Now it is down to $40. It could be $11 if I just wanted the silver, but after talking with the dentist I'm not going to do that. Let's hope that the orthodontist coverage will be similarly reasonable. So we will see where I am a year from now. I can't believe its been a whole year already since that first appointment.

The Dentist

Since we are just throwing all my medical issues out for the world to see lets talk about the dentist. And you will see in the end that it is going to relate back to the anxiety. The dentist has been a source of extreme anxiety (fancy that) for years. Until last month I had not gone in 20+ years. It's a long story, but the shortened version is that my mother didn't like to go so only took me occasionally, my grandparents *forced* me to go in my teens and it was such a traumatic experience I hadn't been back.

When I would think about going to the dentist I would get very upset and cry, the anxiety was so great. (Stay with me here before you make any final decisions about previous discussions.) I would feel twinges of guilt when friends would mention their trips to the dentist. I finally decided this year that I was tired of being scared and that I wanted to go. Summer was obviously the easiest time to deal with all this so I waited until then to begin the process. First I found an amazing resource online, Dental Fear Central. I can't say enough about how much this forum helped me. The website has lots of great information about common fears, what the procedures feel like, what to expect. And the forums are full of stories of people going through the same thing (see the internet CAN help!). Once I started reading I realized that I was lucky not to be in some of the same positions that these people were. I wasn't forced in to the dentist because of some extreme pain. I hadn't lost all my teeth. I was making the conscious decision to go.

After much angst I finally got around to making some calls. The first place I called was very nice to me on the phone especially because just calling caused me to start crying (Trust me... stay with me). The lady I talked to on the phone was extremely patient and kind and didn't belittle me for being upset. I gave her my insurance information and set an appointment and felt much better after that. Unfortunately a few days later she called back and told me that I was on the HMO plan and they only took PPO and up. I can change the plan, but not until January. So I set out to find a dentist who took my plan. I found a list and started calling around. Well the response I got on the phone was nothing like the first place. For the most part, the places I called sounded like I was bothering them, they were in a hurry and they certainly didn't feel like dealing with some crying person. Periodically I would call the first place back and ask a question about pricing or scheduling and they were always the same. Nice. So I made a decision. Screw the insurance I'm going to the first place.

Best decision ever even if it meant paying out of pocket. I met with the dentist a month ago and I did break down talking to him, but I wanted him to know everything I was feeling and afraid of. And since that moment I have not had anxiety about the dentist AT ALL. I made an appointment and confirmed it without nary a twinge about who I was calling. Today I had my first big procedure, deep cleaning on two quadrants, and I felt a heaviness in my stomach, but I wasn't sure if it was from the impending dental procedure or from all the anxiety medication debate. But no tears, no rending of the garments, nothing. It didn't hurt and while I had to talk to myself to relax and breathe, and it isn't my preferred way to spend an hour, I survived with my head held high.

So what does this have to do with previous debates? First off I think that if my anxiety was at such a level that I need medication I would never have been able to go the dentist at all. Yes, I had reactions to facing the problem, but then I faced it and kept going. And once I faced it the fear went away. I set my mind on doing it and it was done. I feel like I can set my mind on learning to deal with the anxiety without medication. I'm not so bad that I'm avoiding situations. (Twitter meetup Saturday? Great, I'll be there.) I'm not lying in bed afraid to face the world. I have moments. It's probably better for me to be working than to have all this time off. Do I have anxiety issues? Definitely. Do I need to have the heavy hitter drugs? I don't think so. Am I a doctor? No, but I want to exhaust all other possibilities.

Second, the person matters. I know in my heart, believe without a doubt, that my experience at the dentist wouldn't nearly be the same if I hadn't chosen the right doctor and staff. They are welcoming, comforting, supportive and I truly feel cared for when I am there. I have no qualms or issues or fear about going back. And if you knew how scared I was of the dentist previously you would realize what a gigantic statement that is. The doctor matters. I need to find a medical doctor that will care for me and about me and take the time to listen to my concerns.