the laanba blog

Shut Down

When I get really stressed I shut down.  Usually I don't recognize the signs and behaviors until the thing causing the stress has lifted and I look back over my patterns for the previous weeks or months.  

My current stressor (UIL) is still two weeks away, but I recognize the patterns now.  It has been at least since mid-February and I think it has slowly been getting worse each day.  I have gotten to the point where I do absolutely nothing in my apartment.  My laundry is piling up, my refrigerator is empty and my apartment is a disaster.  And yet I can't muster the energy or desire to work on any of it.  

I usually don't recognize things this early.  I'm not sure if it will help me break the pattern or if I'll just sit here numb with the added knowledge of knowing that I am sitting here numb. 

Stress

I feel crappy.  I'm 90% sure it is stress with a sprinkling of allergies thrown in.  We have Pre-UIL contest next week with our 7th/8th graders and a concert with our 6th graders.  In between there we have three days where we will not be in class because the school is in practice testing mode.  

It has greatly heightened my stress.  One of my choirs I see only one day this week before we sing at contest next week.  Sunday night I dreamed about rehearsing my choir and last night I woke up at 2 in the morning because my brain decided that would be a good time to think about how to maximize my remaining rehearsals and I couldn't convince it otherwise for almost an hour.  

My normal release of crying has been completely blocked.  I haven't been able to cry even when watching someone else cry (all us music people are stressed out right now) which normally sets me off immediately.  Of course I knew it was going to come at a bad time and I started crying yesterday at work in the middle of testing hoopla.  I got it under control and figured when I got home I was finally going to have a release.  But no.  I got home and nothing except complete exhaustion.

I've even gone so far as booking a massage.  As you know if you read this blog, I'm not very good at being girly and I've never had a professional massage before.  I'm not comfortable in those frou frou places and the whole thing is so foreign to me that I usually just avoid it.  But I am so stressed out I know I need help.  I'm not going until next Friday but hopefully it will help me start off my Spring Break right.  

In the meantime I need to do something to keep my head above water.  What do you do to help with stress?  

 

Grandparents

I got to see this photo of my grandparents from my dad's side.  This photo was in my Aunt Julie's house.  This was the first time I got to see what they looked like.  I'm so glad she had this photo and that we went to the house where I got to see it.

My Music Teacher

My middle school band director died yesterday.  Instead of writing a post I'm going to copy the letter that I posted on his CaringBridge page when I found out.  I'm so glad I had the opportunity to share this with him before he passed away.

Mr. Rowden,

I have always wondered over the years where you were and now I have found you.  I'm so glad that I have the chance to tell you how much you have meant to me.

I am a choir director in the Houston area.  I was in band and choir in junior high all the way through high school.  I knew since I was in 7th grade that I wanted to teach music and my strongest memories were from my band experiences and that is because of you.  Some of my best friends that I still keep in touch with today are people that I met in the Coakely band hall.  I have such strong impressions of the feelings I had in the band hall, feelings of friends and family and acceptance.  Beyond the individual songs or competitions or instruments it is those feelings that will stay with me the rest of my life.  It is what I strive for with my middle school choir students.

I wish you and your family all the best at this time.  You have touched more lives than you can possibly know. 

Laurie Ballesteros

Coakely JH '84-'86

 

Notes from a Funeral

I had planned on writing this post on Tuesday.  Instead I found myself sleeping most of the day away not just from exhaustion, but from an allergy attack.  

This has been an incredibly long week even though I only worked three days.  It hardly seems possible that we were going to the viewing only a week ago.  It truly seems ages ago.  

I did ok up until the cemetery.  At the Sunday viewing there were some tears, but mostly hugs and being happy to see everyone even if it was at the funeral parlor.  Tears were shed, but not gut wrenching ones.  The surprise for me was that my mom broke down as soon as we got in sight of the coffin.  I did not expect that.

I felt pretty together the day of the funeral until about 10 minutes before the service started.  Then the organ music started and that was it.  I couldn't stop crying listening to that sad sound.  I spent many minutes cursing music and music teachers.  Funerals are sad and meant to be filled with tears and I did my part.

Next was the procession to go to the grave site.  The service was in Kirbyville, but she was being buried in Orange which is about an hour away.  We took back roads because that's how you get around in the country.  And there were more tears on the way because almost without exception people pulled over until the procession passed.  Not just cars, but even 18 wheelers and huge service trucks.  People honored the procession and it was a beautiful gesture, one that will probably be extinct in 20 years.  I know in many places it isn't possible to pull over safely, but on this day I was thankful.

Then the cemetery.  We parked and walked to the tent set up.  I looked at the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds and I lost it.  If no one had been around I would have been sobbing.  Instead I was trying hard to hold it together because I would have been the only one who came unglued.  I mean her husband, her three sons and her grandchildren were fine so I knew I had to hold it together, but I didn't do a very good job.  At least I didn't make noise.

After we went to my cousin's house which was nearby for food.  I pulled in and dropped my mom and grandmother off and then stayed in the car and let out some of the sobs.  My cousin pulled in a few minutes later and I was still crying and he hugged me.  I just had to let it out after holding the sobs in all day.

And then we were eating and talking and laughing and it felt like every other family gathering except that Aunt Gail wasn't there.  I had the strangest notion that one of the reasons families get together right after the funeral is to get right back into family gatherings without their loved one.  Back on the horse so to speak.  

Monday was hard, but as my cousin said, our family is full of love and it made it easier.  

My Aunt Gail

My Aunt Gail passed away last night from pancreatic cancer.  I will miss her so.  She always had a smile, always had joy, always was truly interested in the people she was talking to and she loved talking to people.  Her eyes twinkled and she had a certain kind of laugh especially when she felt like she was discovering something new about you. She reveled in her connections to others and was one of the most positive people I have known.  

As I get older I realize how difficult it is to be a positive person in today's world.  To live life to the fullest and to truly have joy.  Joy is a powerful word.  I have no doubt that she had to battle all of the same things that the rest of us do, but it never showed.  

She was married to my uncle for 50 years.  She asked me to photograph their 50th wedding anniversary party this past summer and I am so glad that I did.  Two of my favorite photos from that day are below.  The first one is her with my uncle and the string of children and grandchildren that is their legacy.  The second one is of her dancing with my uncle reaching out to her granddaughter and grandson.  

When I look back at my life I want to see joy not sadness.  I will have to battle every day.  And when I feel like I'm losing the battle I will think back on her and look at the pictures and remember a joyful life.

Preparing

We are preparing for a death in the family.  That's such a weird sentence to write.  One of my aunts (I only grew up knowing two) has been fighting pancreatic cancer for the last year and a half or so.  I got an email at lunch today from my other aunt who said that the doctors told her there was nothing else they could do for her.  That aunt estimates it will be a month.

At times I seem detached from the idea and my mind wanders to other things like I'm perfectly normal and then other times I can't stop crying.  I don't deal well with death.  Of course who does, but I don't like thinking about dying and all the things I'm going to miss.  I have a small family and have only had to deal with the passing of a family member twice, once when I was in 8th grade and once when I was a junior in college.  That was almost 20 years ago.  I realized that in the next 10-20 years I'm going to have to deal with 5 or 6 more.  What an awful and frankly bizarre realization.  I told a co-worker today (after pouring my heart out) that I don't like this age that we are at.  When we have to start saying goodbye or start preparing to say goodbye.  This sucks and this is the first time I have ever wished I was 20 again.

One of my favorite pictures ever is this one I took at my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary this summer.  It was a complete accident, but when I saw it I loved it.  My aunt reaching out to her granddaughter and grandson while dancing.   My heart breaks.

I don't even wear belts

I'm 38 years old and it has finally caught up with me.  I am going to have to be one of THOSE people.  Those people that pass up going out to eat because they can't afford it.  The people that look for deals and specials.  The people that go around the house turning the lights off and setting the temperature just a little warmer than they want.  THOSE people.

My new life is expensive.  It isn't one thing it is a lot of little things.  The rent for my new place is $50 more than the old place.  Not horrible.  My electricity bill is definitely higher than the old place.  The building is older, it isn't as energy efficient and my old apartment was snuggled on the first floor and had excellent insulation.  I have to fill my car up more frequently thanks to the longer commute.  

All of those little things add up, but there are two big things that are really sucking money out of my wallet.  

1.) Eating Out.  There are so many wonderful restaurants in the area and it is so easy to justify getting take out here or grab a quick meal there.  Except eating out is usually a $20-30 proposition at minimum.  And of course if I'm NOT going out to eat then that means I'm supposed to be cooking every day for myself and that brings it's own problems and expenses.

2.) Gypsy.  The treatments for her renal failure are definitely taking the biggest toll.  I am paying $80 a month to get her subcutaneous fluids.  I was hoping that I would eventually be able to learn how to do it on my own, but it always takes both of us to make it work and I have to close my eyes when she sticks the needle in so I don't think that I will be cutting out that expense anytime soon.  The other expense is the special cat food formulated for kidney failure.  We are still trying different brands, but the one I picked up the other day would cost me about $52 a month.  So add it up and it comes to $130ish a month.  That was not an expense I was planning to have.

So what to do after I cry into my pillow.  Start watching my money.  I finally found a good expense tracker for my iPhone (Spending) and I will hopefully get a clearer picture where my money goes after a month or two of data.  I'm back to contemplating getting rid of cable, but that will only cut things down by about $50.  I know every bit will help, but if I can't get a useable signal over the air getting rid of cable isn't an option.  That one is still up in the air.  I've already had to stop getting my apartment cleaned by the cleaning lady which is too bad because that made my life so much better.  The idea I hate the most is having to pass up festivals, events, performances, etc. because I may not be able to afford to go.  I'm not giving those things up yet, but I am watching my money more closely and I may have to start eliminating some of those things in the next few months.  I guess everyone has to tighten their belt at sometime or another.  I guess now it is my turn.  

Escape

I am in Port Lavaca. I was chased out of the city by the sad demons that have haunted me all week.

The demons that noticed that for the first time in a long time I was not working on my birthday. The ones that noticed that I was going to be alone and that I have no one in my life to celebrate with. My coworkers and I will be going out Monday but we do that for everyone in our group. Other than that I have no one in my life who thought of me and said "I wonder if she has plans on her birthday" or "I want to help celebrate her birthday." No one to plan a party or a special event or who just wanted to spend time with me on my actual birthday. For someone who thinks that birthdays are special occassions it is sad and lonely.

I'm in that lower tier of friendship for people. A Facebook message or a Tweet suffices. I'm not in the forefront of anybody's mind. Not even family that lives only two hours away. I am not part of anyone's intimate circle. I'm sure I'll receive an email or two in protest but it is harder to believe anything after the fact no matter how well meaning.

The demons have grabbed hold and have dwelled on this information for more than a week. And they won and I am broken. So I escaped. I don't expect this trip to heal the broken me. At this point it is just about survival.

Thank you and Goodbye

I found out last week that my college choir director died.  This was a shock to me because I didn't even know she was sick.  In fact I had just emailed her a few months ago to see if she could clinic my choir and she just said she wasn't able to at the time.  Little did I know. The memorial service is Saturday (tomorrow, today, I'm writing this at 12:30 at night) in Houston. There will be a chorus of her colleagues and former students. I fit in both categories, but I am not going to be singing in the group.  That will be too difficult for me.  In case you didn't know I'm an emotional person. (/understatement)

She was my choir director the whole time I was at the university.  She conducted the women's choir and was my choral conducting teacher.  They always used to tell us that she used to get first pick of the girls auditioning.  I never believed that and a part of me always longed to be in the mixed choir, but I just don't have that kind of voice.  In the end it never mattered because we were always a magnificent choir and I was where I needed to be.  We never had to be ostentatious or do overly difficult music just to prove ourselves.  We did beautiful music beautifully.  She was innately musical and it seemed that she got it out of us with ease.  I know it couldn't have been easy and I know we were hard workers, but I don't remember any strife, stress or pains in putting the music together.  It just seemed to happen. I'm sure there were bad days, but I just don't remember them.  The good far outweighs any bad.  Through this choir I met one of my dearest friends and I got the chance to visit Ireland. To this day I love the sound of a good women's choir.  I would love to sing in an adult women's choir, but they just don't seem to exist.  That's too bad because they are a unique sound to themselves.  

This is one of my all time favorite songs from a performance we gave at the state music educators conference.  When I listen to it I hear all the things that singing in her choir was: fun, joyful, musical, with a freedom of spirit.

Tonight (yesterday, Friday, etc.) I was at the Art Car parade sneak peek at Discovery Green.  I'm going to miss the parade for the first time in a long time to attend the memorial service.  They had little replicas of viking ships and the public was invited to put a message to people who have passed away on pieces of paper or on the little oars of the ship.  At the end of the night they were taken to the lake, lit on fire and set out "to sea" or in this case pulled across the lake on a fishing line.  It really was a lovely ceremony and it was special to me.  My piece of paper said "thank you for the music." Thank you for the music, Ms. Carlisle.  I will never forget how it made me feel.