the laanba blog

My 40th

Two years ago I had one of the worst birthdays I have ever had.  I was sad and broken and very lonely. While driving around Texas trying to escape these demons I thought of my 40th birthday.  A milestone event.  In the frame of mind I was in I couldn't imagine it being anything but more than the same sad and lonely place that I was in but magnified because of the significance of the age.

I definitely couldn't imagine it being as great as it turned out to be.  Doing the Project Night Night goal was THE BEST decision I could have made.  It made the days before my birthday fun and interesting. I was targeting the day for positive happy reasons instead of sad and lonely ones.  My actual birthday itself turned out to be frustrating at work but it didn't really matter because the lead up was so great.

And birthday celebrations continued into the weekend.  If this is any indication of what my 40s is going to be like, then I can't wait. 

Hey... You!

Work is not a happy place right now.  No details, just lots of stress and negativity and dreams of being somewhere else, anywhere else. When I get like this I look up other jobs and dream of other things to do, but when I really start looking at things like qualifications and salaries I realize this isn't something that is going to happen easily.  If I could craft my dream job it would be connected with the arts and education in some way and that is a very narrow job field. 

And then it hit me the other day.  I dream of finding a new job like I dream of finding a person to share my life with.  That I'm going to be walking along and someone is going to just stop me and say "You!  You are the person I've been waiting for."  That someone I've communicated with online or in person will suddenly realize I'm the woman of their dreams or that I would be a great fit in their company.  When I think about it in those terms I know it is obviously not going to happen that way.

So what to do.  On the job front I may look into going to a career counselor for advice.  Not to do anything drastic right away but to work on some options for the near term future.  The other thing that I may have to face up to is leaving my school and/or school district.  I always tell new teachers not to give up on teaching but to maybe try a new age level or new school because they are all so different.  Yet I don't take my own advice.  I've been at my school for 17 years and the idea of leaving is terrifying.  But so is the idea of being somewhere my whole career where I am going through the motions when if I was just brave enough to take one step to the left my whole outlook would change.

As for the dating front, I have no clue.  I can pretend that it doesn't bother me, that seeing the big 4-0 drawing ever closer (29 days) and still being virtually alone is no big deal, but that would be a huge lie.

I think that my life has been drifting along with the current for a while.  If I want true change I am going to have to take hold of the rudder and start doing some steering. 

Time Machine

When I was growing up my house did not have central air or heat.  We always lived in older rent homes that were drafty and cold.  I remember huddling around space heaters and sometimes even setting up shop in the kitchen, the warmest room in the house.  

At night I would get into bed and snuggle under layers and layers of covers.  At first I would be cold and my teeth would chatter but soon I would create a warm cocoon.  My head would be the only thing sticking out and the difference between my body in the cocoon and my head in the cold was always so striking. 

I thought about all this last night as I climbed into bed.  My apartment building was built in the 1950s.  It has a wall of windows which isn't a good insulator and it gets cold.  I snuggled under the covers with only my head in the chill and was transported back in time.  I felt like I was eight years old again, under the covers, protected from the world.  If only that feeling could last forever.

 

Adrift

I have been drifting through life the last months, last year, possibly years.  I  feel like I'm just now coming out of a deep, dark haze and slowly seeing the light.  

What has happened to me?  I used to be so connected to my life.  I had such excitement for the things I did.  I have been going through the motions for far too long now.  I have ben disconnected.  I go to work, I come home, I take photos because I'm supposed to, run my photo group and chatter online but it all feels hollow.  I have really noticed it the last few months where I have withdrawn further and further into my shell.  

I'm not sure why it happened, how long it has been happening or how I am going to get back.  Last time I felt this lost for this long I took up photography and began exploring Houston.  It helped me turn a corner. What is going to help me now?  I don't know, but I must find a way out of this numbness. 

 

Marker

I tried several times this evening to write a blog post about changes I want to make in my life.  I came close to publishing several times with versions ranging from mopey to bitter to hopeful.  None of them though really could convey the thoughts in my head or the way I'm feeling.  But I have to say something because this blog is a record for me.  

So here's hoping future me that you will look back on this blog post and see that this where things started to change.  Life is going to be more sparkly and glittery and happy and fabulous and content because it has to be otherwise I'm going to be sad the rest of my life.

Time for change.

Through pain's lens

So remember this post?  So much pain.  My life hasn't really changed much since that post, but I just don't think about it on a daily basis.  I just processed the photos from that trip in the last week or so.  I mostly think I waited so long because life just got really busy in May and June (and July and August) but of course part of it may have been that I didn't want to think back on that weekend.  But beauty can also come out of pain and I am happy with several of the photos I took.  Here is a link roundup from that weekend.

Blog Posts:
The Escape
The Round Up 

Photos:
Port Lavaca
Matagorda Beach
Night Light
Formosa Wetlands Walkway
Birthday Portrait
Flickr Set 

Oh, you moved here too?

There is unfortunately one thing that made the trip from my old part of town to my new part of town.  My complete lack of time management in the evening (and the morning).  In spite of all my complaining about my new location, I was doing a wonderful job of keeping the new apartment picked up and clean.  It sparkled and even though I was having a hard time getting used to it, it certainly was a pleasant place.

As soon as I started back to work last week everything has gone to hell.  There's stuff everywhere, I'm barely keeping up with getting the trash out, the grocery store is a thing of the past and there is definitely no sparkle.  And it is not just my house.  My news reader has 286 unread articles and my photoblog has dropped to one posting a week and I still have five rolls of film sitting on my desk that have been waiting to be mailed for two weeks.

I know that especially the week before school and the first week of school are horribly long hours (13 hours yesterday) but I never seem to be able to manage it.  By the time I get home I generally have about 3 to 4 hours before I am supposed to go to bed, but I never seem to spend them doing domestic things.  I spend them on the sofa, with the TV on in the background, messing around on the computer.  And then in the morning, when I don't have the time, I generally get a domestic streak and suddenly want to clean and organize and do all kinds of things when I instead should be getting ready for work.  And the weekends where I would actually have time to do things seem to evaporate into puffs of smoke before my eyes.  Where does the time go?

None of this is new to me because that is exactly how I was at the old apartment.  I had such hope that things were going to be different here.  I was going to live a new life.  I can't tell you the last time the poor bicycle came out.  I am going to really hope that this is beginning of school mayhem and that I will be able to settle into a better routine. 

The Frog Prince

Every once in a while I get a bee in my bonnet about dating.  I think this round was precipitated by the recent Craigslist incident and a remark that I made on Twitter.

I've been thinking a lot about the saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. That's fine but where do you find the frogs?

The more I thought about it the more I realized that if I hope to one day meet that prince charming I really am going to have to put myself out there a lot more.  That is pretty hard for me because I'm pretty picky, have a hard time with confidence and an overactive imagination.  Instead of just seeing where things go with this person or that person I focus on one little issue and blow it up in my head and come up with reasons why it won't work and all this usually before any emails are exchanged.  

Well I'm going to have to work on it.  I'm going to have to kiss a lot of frogs, or at least respond to their messages when they send me one. I cleaned up my profiles on several dating sites and we will see what happens.  I don't expect much since I get this way every once in a while, but it is the first time that I've gone into it realizing that I may be looking for a frog and not a prince.

Six days

I used to think about what it would be like to go to Panama.  I always imagined myself taking a cruise ship through the Panama Canal.  Having that one day stop over where I would see the country where I was born, making a half hearted attempt to find someone that was related to me.  I imagined that by the time I ever got the money or the courage to visit that my father may well have passed on and I would really have no leads or connections. It was always a bittersweet image in my head.

Yet here I am six days from Panama.  I can scarcely believe it.  For a long time I've been ignoring this trip.  In my mind Chicago came first and I told myself I would worry about Panama later. Then school came and it has hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have been barely treading water for months.  I made small little steps like getting a passport and picking up a travel book here and there.  I made a stab at learning Spanish, but I'm sorry to say that failed miserably due in part to the aforementioned bricks.  

Six days.  Suddenly after my big competition last weekend Panama has jumped to the forefront of my thoughts.  Suddenly I realized that I had nothing to wear, no good shoes, no idea what I was supposed to pack or what I was supposed to be getting ready.  And the countdown clock ticks ever lower.

I think part of me doesn't really believe I'm going.  It doesn't seem real.  Today at lunch I was looking up Panamanian food and found a good website that had not only a food write up, but several different articles on things to see and what to expect.  And for a brief fleeting moment I got excited. I was going!  I was going to be there!  And then that feeling rushed away and it was back to not feeling real.  The only emotion I know for sure is the sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I think of leaving my cat.  A co-worker is looking after her, but I'm still very upset about it.  I keep that upset mostly bottled up.  I'm sure that this is just my own personal brand of crazy that I usually keep contained.  I remind myself that I have left her before and it will be ok.  But still that swooping feeling.  That feeling also appears when I think of the airplane flight. It is only 4 hours, but in my brain staying up in a plane for four hours seems impossible.  

Tick, tick, tick goes the countdown clock.  I keep asking myself, when will it feel real?  When will it really feel like I'm going?  When I'm going to be happy about it instead of anxious and nervous. I'm guessing in six days.

At Peace

I had one of the best days I've had in a long time today and I'm not exactly sure why.  I don't want to analyze it to closely for fear of destroying the gossamer threads that hold it together but my curiosity is getting the better of me.

It could be like someone mentioned on my mojo photo that the cooler air really does make a difference.  When you go from 90s to 60s/70s you really notice it.  Everyone has a spring in their step and a smile on their face.  This is perfect weather.

It could be the stress of school is finally starting to ease somewhat.  If that is it then it definitely is only a temporary sensation because Region auditions are around the corner and another concert will soon be upon me.  But the fall concert is done, the school year is finally under way and I don't think I'll have to work many 12 hour days the next few weeks.  Notice I didn't say I wouldn't work any, just not as many as I have been.

I spent the day doing what I love to do.  Little errands and trips around the city.  I ate my meal for the day on the patio of Goode Co Taqueria.  I went to the museum  to see the Terra Cotta Warriors before they head off to their next destination.  I walked around the rose garden at Hermann Park.  I went to Domy Books and wandered around an antique store in the Montrose.  I stopped at the Kirby & Alabama intersection for some photos for Swamplot.  I went to Central Market.  I photographed a new toy friend.  It was fun.

So I'm not sure exactly what happened today.  Clean apartment?  That helps.  Cool air.  That helps.  Recharged by the city?  Possibly.  Getting alone time?  Maybe.  Who knows.  All I know is that I really needed to have a good day like today.  I can honestly say at this very moment, I'm happy.