the laanba blog

A blog post

Hi.  My name is Laurie.  I used to blog here.  Every time I thought about writing a blog here I felt like I needed to catch you up on everything that has happened since the last time I blogged and that just sounded like too much work.  And when I thought about writing about current things and skipping the catch up I just couldn't seem to marshall my thoughts into a coherent string.  So I haven't written.

I'm not going to catch you up.  You can look back on my Twitter page if you are really curious.  I'm just going to tell you what is in my head.  I've been dealing with kitty stuff.  She is officially diagnosed with renal failure.  She is at the beginning of it and the vet told me on the phone that if I did nothing she would have a year or so and if I took some steps she could have two to three.  When he was listing things we could do to help her they didn't seem so bad, but I looked up the biggie tonight (giving subcutaneous fluids) and I'm not sure I can do it.  And it makes me feel like a terrible pet mom.  I'm not good with medical things anyway, but the idea of stabbing my kitty once a week with needle wounds me.  I can't look at people getting stuck with needles on TV and now I'm supposed to do it? But everything I read says that it really helps cats with renal failure because they get dehydrated since their kidneys don't work.  Anyway I'm freaking out tonight and will probably freak out at the vets and freak out when I try it the first time if I can bring myself to do it. 

It is at times like this that I wish I wasn't alone.  I wish I had someone to lean on that would be there for me and help me (and yes just do this for me so I wouldn't have to).  I'm so tired of being alone.  Of always having to be strong on my own.  Of not having someone to share my life with.  I'm not sure if I can be strong anymore.  And lately I've been thinking about the fact that I am probably going to be alone forever and that is a throughly depressing thought.  One half of my brain tells me that I need to learn to make peace with it and I will probably be happier.  The other part of me finds the thought of making peace with being alone for the rest of my life a throughly depressing thing.

You know sometimes you may not want to know what is in my head.  I sure don't. 

Craigslist for the first (and probably last) time

So I completely lost my mind this week and responded to a Craigslist ad.  I couldn't help it.  It was not like most of the other ads and talked about doing all the things I love to do (explore the city, walk in the park, museums, etc.) and indicated that he would not be bothered by my size.  I know Craigslist has a bad reputation and to be honest I am one of the people that thinks that way.  Nothing horrible has happened so don't worry.  In fact nothing has happened after a brief email exchange that ended once I sent my pictures.  I'm used to this happening, but it has been so long since I've even bothered trying that I forgot how painful it is. It isn't the rejection that is painful, but the dashing of hope.  I can't believe I can still be hopeful after so much time alone.  I'm not sure how much longer that will last.

Down the Hole

I've fallen down a hole. There are nights here and there where I cry about being alone, or I feel lonely, but I usually bounce back the next day.  This isn't one of those times. When I'm in the hole like I am now, I'm pretty far down and those feelings are greatly amplified.  It isn't something that goes away with one good night's sleep.  

I despair of ever being someone's special someone.  I have been told at different times that a.) I need to be happy being by myself and b.) that relationships are a lot of work too (i.e. it isn't all its cracked up to be).  I understand what these people are trying to say and do, but it doesn't help when your heart longs so much to be loved and you have never really known it.  If I was a religious person I would shake my fist at the heavens and ask why I have been given such a longing for love and not been given someone to love me.

Comments are off.  I honestly don't want to hear the platitudes no matter how sincere they are.  I know you mean well, but it doesn't help.  I'll return to regular posting soon chattering about Azalea Trail and new websites, but it will still be from the hole.  I just needed to put this post here because this blog is my personal journal of the good, bad and everything in between.  

Look out for holes.  They are bad.

P.S.  I just noticed that it has been a year since I posted in this category.  That's a good thing I guess.

Sinking

I'm starting to get that sinking, sad, lonely, hopeless feeling.  I really hate when this happens especially since I can practically feel  it creeping up on me and settling over me like a dark blanket.  I'm pretty sure it was triggered by reading discussion forums where single men were talking about how they would never, ever, never, ever date someone who was overweight.  Sinking down, down, down.

Pining Reality

Why do I keep pining for people that don't know I exist?  Or they know that I exist, but only in the most minimal way?  What the heck is wrong with me that I set my heart out there?  I'm a big dreamer I guess.  Day dreaming about what may be, silly little fantasies with no substance and then my heart jumps in and gets a little carried away, taking the day dreams to.... well..... heart.  It's so silly and I recognize that aspect, yet it happens time and again.  I'm so tired of this existence.  My heart only living in my day dreams.  Mainly because it is painful when those day dreams meet reality and THAT is the part that I'm tired of.  Being sad over someone who doesn't know I exist.

Existence

I want my life to change, but I don't know where to start or how to do it.  In fact I'm not sure I know exactly how I want my life to change so that makes it harder.  I just know that I'm not happy with the way things are.  I don't think of myself as necessarily UNhappy, but I know that I am probably unhappier than I care to admit.  I think that I supress that thought and end up in most of the time just existing.  

I used to harbor a fantasy that I would pick up and move away and start all over again.  My favorite candidates were Seattle or Ireland.  I have never been to Seattle and the logistics in moving to Ireland would be unbelievable.  But it was a nice little fantasy that was quelled a little today by this card at Post Secret.  Again I knew deep down that it probably wouldn't change anything, but I hate to have it confirmed.

Today I was driving around looking for a good place to sit out in the beautiful weather and read a book.  Not much luck.  The two parks I tried were packed full of people.  A little more than I wanted to deal with.  But as I was driving around between parks and restaurants I noticed all these people out in the sun, laughing, smiling, enjoying their lives and each other.  My life is sad and lonely.  Yet my first foray into the social world was a disaster.  I'm burned and I don't want to try it again.  I need to find a different way and different people to interact with, but I don't know how to start or what to do.

This post doesn't make much sense and I don't feel much like editing it.  Just the ramblings of an emotional female at the height of hormonal patterns at the close of another uneventful weekend.  I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon and resume my life of existing and be perfectly ok with it.

Rain, wash away the tears

I'm home from work after half a day. I think my body got tired of the lingering cough and yesterday just decided to be full on sick. Achy, tired, feverish, chills. I slept most of the day, waking up only to turn into a new position on my sofa and through bleary eyes see that the Texans were getting a sound thrashing. The fever subsided and I went in this morning because today is my co-workers birthday, but I had to come home at noon. I slept for about 45 minutes but then was awakened by the maintenance people doing yearly fire sprinkler inspections. And that is where I am. Needing to sleep, but can't go back to sleep. My mind is whirling on things it shouldn't be. I thought that I was actually starting to recover from my recent heartbreak, but I guess not. Or maybe with my defenses down they are just down all around. Can't hold back the tears and tears are probably not what a sick body needs.

Am I ready to tell? I don't know. Let' see if I actually post this entry. Someone came back into my life who I loved and will probably always love. And more than that I trusted. We had three wonderful months of communication, full of possibilities and hope and that all ended abruptly when I got a call from his WIFE basically asking what was going on. I asked oh internet, if he was married, in my very first email to him as we began to reconnect. It would have hurt then, but I would have gotten over it and we would have been able to forge a friendship. Now there is nothing. And my dreams of what might have been are trashed. But that isn't the part that hurts the most. The part that hurts the most is that while we were together I never thought he was the marrying type. But he obviously was because less than a year after our break up he was married. I am reminded of this scene from When Harry Met Sally:

Sally: All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

That is pretty much where I am now. And I'm here to tell you it is an awful, awful place. And don't try to tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. Anything you say will sound fake. Because there has only been two real relationships in my life, this being one. I don't date, there are no prospects and I wouldn't even know where to begin. People aren't interested in me in that way. Not romantically at least. I thought last week that I was really going to be ok and start coming out of it. I only cried a little each night and not very much. I have gone completely backwards today. I guess this world is all about appearances. That dooms me to spend my life by myself because even if I dropped 100 pounds tomorrow, I would know that people were never interested in me, the me that I am now, but only the pretty package me, with no care for what is inside.

Oh good. It's raining.

Internet Blues

Taking a Twitter break for a little while. It could be for just a few days or it might be longer. It makes me feel sadder and lonelier for some reason. I want something real (real love, real friends) and my Twitter experience is filled with superficial.

I'm feeling a little blue so blogging may be light as well. I'm not sure yet. Photos will continue because they are at least one bright spot in my life so check my photoblog (name still to be determined) and my Flickr account.

UPDATE: More on my Twitter blues.

A mess

I think the state of my apartment is an outward manifestation of my emotional state. Right now it is a jumbled mess and that's exactly how I feel. I'm not exactly sure what brought on this little crying jag that I'm having, but I feel pretty shaky this morning. Once my defenses are down it is harder for me to hold things together. In essence the dam has broken.

It's a combination of work stress and personal disappointment. Something that I thought would relieve stress has actually brought up a whole host of strong emotions that are overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about my last serious relationship. How much I miss him, what great chemistry the two of us had, wondering what he is doing now. I could probably email and find out, but it would be too depressing to hear how he has gotten on with his life which is what I should be doing. I'm the one that broke it off for my emotional health and I need to remember that.

Time to clean my apartment and get things back in order.

Need a Recharge

I'm here. I'm not feeling very chatty and I wonder if I am burned out on people. Christine has told me in the past that she needs to recharge from interactions with people and I have had zero recharge time in the last three weeks. In the last few weeks (hmm... timing coincidence?) I have felt at various times lonely, disillusioned, petty, invisible, friendless, under appreciated and more. I have been very close several times to completely leaving Flickr including last night and once I was ready to ditch this blog although that would be much, much harder and is very unlikely to happen.

This is a definite funk and I hope I snap out of it. Thanks to Jeff for talking me off the delete button ledge, Christine for her timely email and Mark for his calm and soothing friendship at a time when my mind is frenetic. I know that I have people out there which is why this funk is so annoying. And except for going to Wes's house to do some clean up so he can sell it, I have no plans for this weekend and I need it. I need to recharge.